Remembering the Moons

I only ever want to write in my blog when I have to study for something. Studying is not my forte. I would rather just listen to a lecture all day rather than sit alone in a dark room and pour over notes and books. Luckily I am at Black Dog right now with Jessie. She keeps me sane when I am in studying mode. Although I am definitely not in that mode right now. She is listening to her teachers podcasts and I am procrastinating. It's always been like that though. She is better at the things I seem to not perform very well in. I guess that is why I like her so much; she fills all of the gaps in my life.

Can anyone tell me what the Gold Standard had to do with the International Monetary Fund? I e-mailed my professor but he has not responded.

Today I found out that my ex-boyfriend is dating his female roommate. I felt a surge of energy pass over my entire body and I suddenly became very warm. It passed and I felt a lot better. If he is happy then all is well with the world, same with everyone. It is when people begin to become depressed that I want to tell them 'stop that!'.

Jessie would tell me that in tenth grade when I was very very sad. I would sit in science class with a safety pin and run the rough tip over my wrist until I bled. She would look at me with demon eyes and say 'stop it!'. She cared for me even though I caused her more trouble out of everyone (except for my mom of course). She would always invite me to her house and we would spend the night together and giggle in the dark. I was with her first when we smoked weed and she was with me when she first smoked hash. We smoked way too much and ended up sprawled on her bed listening intently to her godmother Lis sing a beautiful song. We both imagined Lis as a fairy sitting on a rose and we teared up and smiled at each other. The next morning Mary (Jessie's mom) cooked eggs and bacon and it tasted so amazing. Mary is my second mother. It sucks how school has taken over my life and I'm not able to see her all the time like I used to.

When I was in sixth grade I spent the night at Jessie's for the very first time. I ended up sleepwalking into Mary's room and crawling into bed with her. She did not tell me to leave. I remember Mary making grilled cheese with tomatoes and tomato soup on a rainy day. That is the one meal that stands out in my life. It was delicious and I felt comfortable sitting at the little breakfast table by the window.

Ahhh, I could go on forever. But now I really should study.

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I have never eaten more Subway in my life. A veggie six-inch sub a day cannot be that bad for me though. Can it? I have a ten-page paper due on the 14th and no idea what to write about. A fiction story? Maybe I'll make up some fantastical world. My mind does not work like that anymore. I used to be able to imagine my way out of life when I was in eigth grade. I could actually separate my mind from my body and travel. Kind of trippy. And I didn't even know what LSD meant back then.

I've had writers block since tenth grade. I was introduced to the realities of the world and fell victim to them. Homework was necessary. Getting prepared for college. Renting a house. Paying bills. There is no time to lay around and make up stories. Unless it was my job. But I do not think I could make any money writing creatively. So I'll go into Journalism and wait for my big break. Haha, yeah right. I don't feel like posting a picture today. So I won't.

And thank you to everyone that comments on my blog. I really appreciate it.

Mind Ramblings #4

So it's hot outside in September and I can remember when it would get cool toward the end. I remember it being too hot in July and slowly becoming autumn after August. I remember the feeling of all of this because it gave me nostalgia and good feelings. I remember liking a boy that would never kiss me and would only look at me with dark eyes and play off of my affection. Letting go became one of my first lessons in love. Hurting someone while I hid in my room leafing through magazines of Japanese girls with pretty makeup and clothes.

Now I sit uncomfortably in a smoldering coffee shop with faulty internet. The ice in my coffee turns my caffeine addiction into a watery beverage and the dark chocolate chip cookie fills my belly with oils. The heavy metal music permeates the concrete building poking and prodding at my sensitive ears that have heard too much loud music over the years.

Two papers...two more papers. Now I remember why I liked science. No one scolded you for not writing in AP style in lab reports. All that mattered is if your information was right. Sitting in class today reminded me that I am done with community college in two and a half more months. People rambling the first thing that comes to their minds, repeating what the last person said, looking at the teacher with big eyes and thinking 'Hey, I'm talking so I must be doing something right.' If you don't have anything intelligent and thought-provoking to say don't say it. I know it sounds harsh but I'm not paying money for students to blabber on thinking they are 'oh-so-smart' because the teacher and half the class are looking at them.

A girl even had the nerve to ask the teacher: "So, if we're like having our like timed writing on like Wednesday can we like not have to like come to class on like Friday like?" WHAT THE FUCK. I thought I was done with that bullshit in middle school. Since when do people think they can control the class's schedule. I've got shit to learn here and she's trying to cancel my education. The laziness of young adults these days is sickening.

On a lighter note I have no money. But that's all the time...

The Girl In the Pic Is Cool

Finally my internet is working after three days of hoping. Maybe today it will work? Maybe today. And right after I quit my job it starts working again. That is no omen. That is just coincidence. Everything is working now. Everything except my nose which is constantly in a state of stuffiness. My head feels stuffy too. It might have something to do with my air filter, or my cat. I'm not quite sure but gaddam Bob Dylan makes me want to write beautiful music.

Two beautiful friends showed up at my place last night with plans of hair dye but we just ended up getting tipsy and dancing in my kitchen. I had a headache but the wine made it feel nice as I got my groove on to Prince and MJ. I then woozily made my way out the door and into my car (I was fine) and drove over to a boys house without consulting him first. It was amazing. And having friends makes it all better as they encourage me and laugh with me and dance with me and overall make me feel beautiful inside and out.

It's raining and I want to open some windows but there are gross bugs between the screen and the glass. I have to suck it up and clean it up cause I'm gonna need those screens in the fall (which is in the air!).

Get it Bob.

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Life is exciting.

WHAT HAVE I BEEN MISSING ALL THESE YEARS!

Human Drabble

I have a wine hangover. That and three hours of sleep under my belt, even though I'm not wearing one. I am tackling this day with a negative slant and a skewed view of society. What makes one person all-knowing? Is enlightenment power? Do I need enlightenment in order to be "good"? I have been realizing more and more that I was not the bad guy in my past relationship. Sure, I did things and said things that were not acceptable, but I was always punishing myself inside. He seemed like such an "all-knowing" boy. I put him on a pedestal. The beginning was so beautiful and full of wonder. We experienced things together I will never forget. The last two years however had become a struggle I felt like I had to continue fighting. I was scared of the outside world but wanted it badly at the same time. He couldn't reciprocate and understand these cravings I had to be free. I broke his heart, I broke mine. I cried and he cried. I am realizing how unaware of the world he actually is. How sheltered.

I feel almost liberated now. I can do anything. There is no one holding me back and I am no longer holding myself back. I want to experience life and make mistakes. That way when people are struggling and having problems I can help them and say, "I had a similar experience." That always makes me feel better, when people can relate and empathize.

My Writing for Mass Communication teacher just gave the class a lecture on fifth grade grammar. That is the first time in my life that I have ever zoned out in a class. Her voice was just drabble in my ears. Dribble drabble dribble...

Kitten Colonel

Coffee makes my body shake down to the core. I love the taste of the milky dark roast as it soothes its way down my throat and makes my senses perk up. I have no money. Absolutely none. I do have a cool phone though. And who cares about money when you've got a cool phone? I don't know how I'm going to pay for stuff but I've always been that way. I like to live on the edge, freak out, and then everything is eventually okay. Once I'm out of my parents financial grasp I seriously think I might become homeless. Haha.

Ramble ramble ramble. Sometimes I wish I was still taking the hard sciences. Busy work freed my mind and allowed me to prioritize. These writing classes make me think! THINK! Of all things... It's a lot harder to think than to crunch numbers. I have to make this concept in this paragraph sounds really good. These two words don't fit together. Is China the next superpower? You know it is.

I'm gonna be okay. I'm letting things go. New things come up but the world is so vast. I moved my cat Colonel into my apartment the other day. It's against the rules but I'm lonely dammit! I can risk the knock on the door, "Open up" from my landlord for a few bliss filled days of company whenever I come home. She hides under the bed and looks at me with big green eyes. She makes me forget all my problems. I just want to take care of her and start this new life of mine.

Dance

Downed a bottle of wine with the no mind as the three girl musketeers set out in a whirlwind of fabric, cut-off tights, and warm cheeks. We'll beat the heat! They could scream with the hoity-toity cute voice blasting from the old speakers of the automobile that is cruising thirty miles an hour to the hip beat in the street. Blue heels break my feet as the cars whir by with agitation. Too bad they can't join the fun is what they're thinking as the three girls wrinkle their noses and laugh, feet trodden through the light brown dirt. Slap that ass! as they stumble past. Hasty admission into the dance hall because they are not waiting in line. Small talk with the passerby's. They grab each others arms and fluidly fly past the dancers with ease, making their way to the bar as hopefuls grab at their hair. Don't you dare! Two beers later and the dancing is hot. Haven't danced like this in years. Absolute abandon as I throw my head back and surrender to the fear. Crashing my wrists against the hot air making eyes with the boy over there. Is it fair?

Mind Ramblings #3

Lately I have been feeling hopeless. With a heavy heart. Everything I do is wrong. Why can't I be like this person? Why can't I be innocent again? What is innocent? Will people like me when they find out this and that?

Stuff along those lines.

I am still dealing, but I now know what is good for me and what is not. I feel like I have some sort of closure with everything that is going on. I still need to say a few things.

Worries

My car is the victim of a hit and run. Not just any hit and run. A hit and run that took place at my own house very very early in the morning. No note, just tracks in the dirt. I question humanity all of the time but this is just low. I can imagine what was going through the guilty persons head.

"Hahaha." Screeeeech, as they pull out of the parking lot.

or

"Oooppsss...", as they looked around with a paranoid grin then crept out into the night with my black paint smeared on their bumper. I kind of want to kick them in the crotch.

Coincidentally I am a victim too. A victim of myself. I had ample time last night to study and I have ample time right now to pick up that blue book with the white letters... but something in my brain is telling me 'noooo, don't do it'. Shut up brain!

There is so much crap I have to do and have not got around to. Hook up the printer, clean my room, get my car fixed, pay rent, pay electricity, get envelopes, deposit my paycheck. Or rather; deposit my paycheck, get envelopes then pay rent. Maybe I need stamps too? My rent is supposed to arrive in my landlords mailbox on the fifth otherwise I get charged more money. We can't let that happen. Also I have not been to the gym in a million years. I'm just not a gym person. I guess that was kind of an impulse after gaining a few pounds in Jamaica... I just like to eat!

Movie

Everyone sitting the same way looking the same way
Aren't movies awkward
When the blonde girls behind you smack their popcorn
Slosh around the ice in their over sized overpriced cups
As I cross my legs back and forth
Sloooooouch down in the seat so low you cannot see my head
The seat feels wet. That's gross.
Since when should carbonated syrup cost six bucks?
I'll take my cup of ice and heat it with my hands till it melts
Since I can't even bring my own anymore.
The film drags on and when I almost think it's over it starts back up again
Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh.

At least that guy looks cool.

Germany

I've been researching schools in Germany a lot. I feel a calling to southwestern Germany. Maybe because I lived in Bitsburg when I was younger? Travelling to Trier to see a festival where "anything goes". Large breasted women pouring people on the street large mugs of beer. My face was painted black and white and I held a toy that made noise. I watched with wide eyes as floats passed by. Some were made very poorly but everyone was having fun. It was a day where wives could kiss other men and husbands could kiss other women. Girls would run around with scissors and cut the ties of old gentlemen.

We lived off base (Biesbaden) in an old house with three stories. We lived on the second story right behind a supermarket. Herr Addams was the landlord and he had a trunk full of Easter candy. And whenever I would venture up the spiral staircase he would let me have one piece which I would hastily eat right away. There was a park across the way that I would go on walks to with my dad and my brother. My dad was the best playmate. He would swing me so high I thought I'd wrap around the pole a couple of times. My mother would pick cherries and hang them from my ear. My brother would wander off to the small lake and try to dive in. He was only two.

My happiest memories are from Germany. Hot cocoa on a winter day downtown. Sitting on grey steps while my mother held me tight. Long strolls through a cornfield. Wild dogs in the tall tree woods that my dad fended off with a stick.

I want to go back. I bet everything will seem so much smaller.

Mind Ramblings #2

Global politics. The politics of the globe. Why humans do what they do. Why humans want power. Is money power? Is power money? Do people make power? Or does military force create it? My professor claimed that international relations is one of the most important subjects a student can study right now. I'm sitting on my green tea couch with a bottle of Smart Water and really really trying to decipher every word in every sentence in this goddamned textbook. The last class was just a bunch of ramble as every kid raised their hand in vain to repeat what the last kid had said. I sat there sighing in my seat as two popped-collar striped pink boys "har-har'd" about the feminist perspective. The kid in the very front with the severe Asberger's was the only one with a brain. I felt that even I didn't have one. The overweight girl with the badly dyed orange hair snapped her gum and stared at him with disgust. My eyes pierced her pale face with tiny daggers. The ignorance is too much! Oh the pain of college! Pick me up and take me to grad school right now, I can't take it!

I can't wait for Autumn. It is what I say every year. Autumn comes for only a moment before the "harsh" chills of Florida winter seclude me to my cave. I have outdoor guilt. I feel like I should be outside enjoying the weather but it is just too damn hot. Will people think differently of me if I just retreat to my cool little apartment with my textbook written by the very dry Ray? Ninth edition! How long must he torture the masses? Murgo (my professor) says Ray was his professor when he was in grad school. Explain to me why some of the smartest people are coming out of Tallahassee. I love it.

I have to scan shit and send receipts. Mexican dinner with mi amiga makes me smile oh so happily even though she too feels the weight of the eight different textbooks.

Ciao!

Finally

It's official. Societies standards are my own creation. Are they my own standards? I don't think so. I cut my hair really short about a week ago and when I look back on pictures of my shoulder length wavy hair I get sentimental. I miss it! It's a nice melancholy feeling because I know that it will grow back. It will not stay this short forever. It is something nice to look forward to. The cutting of the hair is so metaphorical. Just like a break up. The feelings of despair will not last forever. Things grow back. Broken hearts grow back and mold together to create a stronger being.

I'm excited to see what the future will bring for me. My father is making me quit my job so that I can focus on school. That's exciting! I get to be fully and completely immersed in academia. Maybe I'll finally feel like a real intellectual now. I just need to travel abroad and study politics, history, and journalism in other countries.

I just finished having lunch with my brother. I'm so proud of him. He is totally digging the college vibe. I have a journalism-esque class next. The teacher is a trip. I think we'll become great friends.

Personal Perdition

People are always saying, "Life is so complicated. It's so confusing. I don't know if I can deal with it." I go over the same thoughts in my mind with more thoughts of, "Why am I thinking this? I am only human right?" We also tend to believe we are all alone. That no one else has experienced what we are going through. Thinking that way is so self-destructive. A personal perdition.

I have been feeling a constant dull pain in my heart since the day that Blake and I decided that we needed to end it all. Whether it was completely and totally mutual, I don't know. I do know that I had been preparing myself for it for a very long time. Can I deal with it? Will I feel like this forever? Why can't I just stop it? All of this creeps through my brain like a disease and there is no cure except...what? Time? I do not know if time has anything to do with it. Time is so relative. Time creates pain. The only end-all cure is my own acceptance of life and it's many pains. I HAVE to experience pain. Live it, feel it, hate it, love it. At least I'm not being tortured in Sedan. At least I have been lucky enough to not fall victim to rape. Is a broken heart the worst thing that could be happening to me right now?

Right now my ex-boyfriend is sitting behind me as we both wait for a class that we signed up for together. I cannot ever remember being excited about that. Now all I feel is a certain mild dread that creeps over my heart and engulfs it. My breathing is heavier as four police men and women stroll by with their chins held toward the moldy cardboard ceiling. Some kind of meeting? I do not know but it seems ominous. Many time I have thought about moving away forever, not taking this class, wishing he would move away. I am ready to grow dammit! If I have not found myself yet I am ready now.

I feel like running outside and screaming at the top of my lungs, "I AM READY!" I won't do that because I know that's something that just confuses people, but my irrational mind thoughts want to.

I can do this thing called life. It seems hard but it is really not.

Mind Ramblings #1

The cobblestone makes my flat feet curve in an uncomfortable manner. It doesn't hurt. It just bends my heel awkwardly as I swerve to the left and the right. The men standing out back of the Mexican restaurant snicker sourly and I walk along the brick path that is more flat and runs directly through the middle of the alley. I see a sign for a candy store and glance back with hopeful eyes at my friends with their necks craned upward toward the sky like long feathered birds.

Salt water taffy makes my mouth water and I want to take a sip from the fountain that I'm not even allowed to put my feet in. Roof hopping sounds like a good idea but the ladders are all tucked away in their fetal fire escape position. I'm sitting and longing after vivid daydreams of the cute guy from the art supplies store. Tucked away in a corner.

They say if you do your writing exercises everyday you'll get better. Why are there no bugs here? My mind wanders like a Vietnam veteran with a cardboard sign that reads, "Veteran." Who asks me how I'm doing. "Fine, thanks" I say. "You?" I clench my teeth together and think about what else I could have said instead. I've never laughed so hard in my life. Giggling on the metro without a care and snapping "urban-modelesque" pictures that scream "I am alternative, look at me go!"

2:00AM Can't sleep.

I Think It's Time

I think it's time for a new awakening in this world that I gaze over with glazed eyes. The time of innocence has come to a close and I am on my own. Rebirth. Rejoice. Re... Consider the possibilities. I'm done playing games with my made-up heart soul. That living breathing piece of muscle does more for me than I could ever do for it. Learning from my body and my mind. I will hear the voices in my head once in a while as my friend leans over and whispers in my ear. Will I let it get me down? Hell no!

It's time to stop making my Self feel bad about myself. No longer will I fake a spiritual moment to fit in with the good ol' kids. I did not think that cloud was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I have looked a starving Jamaican kid with outstretched calloused hands in the eyes before. Pleading and non-believing that he will ever get off that island. The rich white folk prance by in their Old Navy flip flops as the kids kick rocks in the street with their bare feet. That cloud looks like shit compared to what I saw.

The naive era has to come to an end and I have reached that bend in the dirt road. I see the paved majesties greeting me like busy bees and enticing me with Java Chip frappuccinos. I'll bow my head to their financial eyes and live a truthful life of lies. Compromise. Capitalize. Red red red eyes.

I will be truthful to myself. I and my are the same words, let us not get caught up in a dictionary. There are no split selves and how can you derive that from a sentence that speaks sounds? Bleep bloop blop. Does that make sense? Yes/ No/ Maybe So. Circle one. I am tired of circling things for others.

I think it's time for a change change change. In the human race. Let us take our place and speculate.