Personal Perdition

People are always saying, "Life is so complicated. It's so confusing. I don't know if I can deal with it." I go over the same thoughts in my mind with more thoughts of, "Why am I thinking this? I am only human right?" We also tend to believe we are all alone. That no one else has experienced what we are going through. Thinking that way is so self-destructive. A personal perdition.

I have been feeling a constant dull pain in my heart since the day that Blake and I decided that we needed to end it all. Whether it was completely and totally mutual, I don't know. I do know that I had been preparing myself for it for a very long time. Can I deal with it? Will I feel like this forever? Why can't I just stop it? All of this creeps through my brain like a disease and there is no cure except...what? Time? I do not know if time has anything to do with it. Time is so relative. Time creates pain. The only end-all cure is my own acceptance of life and it's many pains. I HAVE to experience pain. Live it, feel it, hate it, love it. At least I'm not being tortured in Sedan. At least I have been lucky enough to not fall victim to rape. Is a broken heart the worst thing that could be happening to me right now?

Right now my ex-boyfriend is sitting behind me as we both wait for a class that we signed up for together. I cannot ever remember being excited about that. Now all I feel is a certain mild dread that creeps over my heart and engulfs it. My breathing is heavier as four police men and women stroll by with their chins held toward the moldy cardboard ceiling. Some kind of meeting? I do not know but it seems ominous. Many time I have thought about moving away forever, not taking this class, wishing he would move away. I am ready to grow dammit! If I have not found myself yet I am ready now.

I feel like running outside and screaming at the top of my lungs, "I AM READY!" I won't do that because I know that's something that just confuses people, but my irrational mind thoughts want to.

I can do this thing called life. It seems hard but it is really not.