Remembering the Moons

I only ever want to write in my blog when I have to study for something. Studying is not my forte. I would rather just listen to a lecture all day rather than sit alone in a dark room and pour over notes and books. Luckily I am at Black Dog right now with Jessie. She keeps me sane when I am in studying mode. Although I am definitely not in that mode right now. She is listening to her teachers podcasts and I am procrastinating. It's always been like that though. She is better at the things I seem to not perform very well in. I guess that is why I like her so much; she fills all of the gaps in my life.

Can anyone tell me what the Gold Standard had to do with the International Monetary Fund? I e-mailed my professor but he has not responded.

Today I found out that my ex-boyfriend is dating his female roommate. I felt a surge of energy pass over my entire body and I suddenly became very warm. It passed and I felt a lot better. If he is happy then all is well with the world, same with everyone. It is when people begin to become depressed that I want to tell them 'stop that!'.

Jessie would tell me that in tenth grade when I was very very sad. I would sit in science class with a safety pin and run the rough tip over my wrist until I bled. She would look at me with demon eyes and say 'stop it!'. She cared for me even though I caused her more trouble out of everyone (except for my mom of course). She would always invite me to her house and we would spend the night together and giggle in the dark. I was with her first when we smoked weed and she was with me when she first smoked hash. We smoked way too much and ended up sprawled on her bed listening intently to her godmother Lis sing a beautiful song. We both imagined Lis as a fairy sitting on a rose and we teared up and smiled at each other. The next morning Mary (Jessie's mom) cooked eggs and bacon and it tasted so amazing. Mary is my second mother. It sucks how school has taken over my life and I'm not able to see her all the time like I used to.

When I was in sixth grade I spent the night at Jessie's for the very first time. I ended up sleepwalking into Mary's room and crawling into bed with her. She did not tell me to leave. I remember Mary making grilled cheese with tomatoes and tomato soup on a rainy day. That is the one meal that stands out in my life. It was delicious and I felt comfortable sitting at the little breakfast table by the window.

Ahhh, I could go on forever. But now I really should study.

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I have never eaten more Subway in my life. A veggie six-inch sub a day cannot be that bad for me though. Can it? I have a ten-page paper due on the 14th and no idea what to write about. A fiction story? Maybe I'll make up some fantastical world. My mind does not work like that anymore. I used to be able to imagine my way out of life when I was in eigth grade. I could actually separate my mind from my body and travel. Kind of trippy. And I didn't even know what LSD meant back then.

I've had writers block since tenth grade. I was introduced to the realities of the world and fell victim to them. Homework was necessary. Getting prepared for college. Renting a house. Paying bills. There is no time to lay around and make up stories. Unless it was my job. But I do not think I could make any money writing creatively. So I'll go into Journalism and wait for my big break. Haha, yeah right. I don't feel like posting a picture today. So I won't.

And thank you to everyone that comments on my blog. I really appreciate it.

Mind Ramblings #4

So it's hot outside in September and I can remember when it would get cool toward the end. I remember it being too hot in July and slowly becoming autumn after August. I remember the feeling of all of this because it gave me nostalgia and good feelings. I remember liking a boy that would never kiss me and would only look at me with dark eyes and play off of my affection. Letting go became one of my first lessons in love. Hurting someone while I hid in my room leafing through magazines of Japanese girls with pretty makeup and clothes.

Now I sit uncomfortably in a smoldering coffee shop with faulty internet. The ice in my coffee turns my caffeine addiction into a watery beverage and the dark chocolate chip cookie fills my belly with oils. The heavy metal music permeates the concrete building poking and prodding at my sensitive ears that have heard too much loud music over the years.

Two papers...two more papers. Now I remember why I liked science. No one scolded you for not writing in AP style in lab reports. All that mattered is if your information was right. Sitting in class today reminded me that I am done with community college in two and a half more months. People rambling the first thing that comes to their minds, repeating what the last person said, looking at the teacher with big eyes and thinking 'Hey, I'm talking so I must be doing something right.' If you don't have anything intelligent and thought-provoking to say don't say it. I know it sounds harsh but I'm not paying money for students to blabber on thinking they are 'oh-so-smart' because the teacher and half the class are looking at them.

A girl even had the nerve to ask the teacher: "So, if we're like having our like timed writing on like Wednesday can we like not have to like come to class on like Friday like?" WHAT THE FUCK. I thought I was done with that bullshit in middle school. Since when do people think they can control the class's schedule. I've got shit to learn here and she's trying to cancel my education. The laziness of young adults these days is sickening.

On a lighter note I have no money. But that's all the time...

The Girl In the Pic Is Cool

Finally my internet is working after three days of hoping. Maybe today it will work? Maybe today. And right after I quit my job it starts working again. That is no omen. That is just coincidence. Everything is working now. Everything except my nose which is constantly in a state of stuffiness. My head feels stuffy too. It might have something to do with my air filter, or my cat. I'm not quite sure but gaddam Bob Dylan makes me want to write beautiful music.

Two beautiful friends showed up at my place last night with plans of hair dye but we just ended up getting tipsy and dancing in my kitchen. I had a headache but the wine made it feel nice as I got my groove on to Prince and MJ. I then woozily made my way out the door and into my car (I was fine) and drove over to a boys house without consulting him first. It was amazing. And having friends makes it all better as they encourage me and laugh with me and dance with me and overall make me feel beautiful inside and out.

It's raining and I want to open some windows but there are gross bugs between the screen and the glass. I have to suck it up and clean it up cause I'm gonna need those screens in the fall (which is in the air!).

Get it Bob.

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Life is exciting.

WHAT HAVE I BEEN MISSING ALL THESE YEARS!

Human Drabble

I have a wine hangover. That and three hours of sleep under my belt, even though I'm not wearing one. I am tackling this day with a negative slant and a skewed view of society. What makes one person all-knowing? Is enlightenment power? Do I need enlightenment in order to be "good"? I have been realizing more and more that I was not the bad guy in my past relationship. Sure, I did things and said things that were not acceptable, but I was always punishing myself inside. He seemed like such an "all-knowing" boy. I put him on a pedestal. The beginning was so beautiful and full of wonder. We experienced things together I will never forget. The last two years however had become a struggle I felt like I had to continue fighting. I was scared of the outside world but wanted it badly at the same time. He couldn't reciprocate and understand these cravings I had to be free. I broke his heart, I broke mine. I cried and he cried. I am realizing how unaware of the world he actually is. How sheltered.

I feel almost liberated now. I can do anything. There is no one holding me back and I am no longer holding myself back. I want to experience life and make mistakes. That way when people are struggling and having problems I can help them and say, "I had a similar experience." That always makes me feel better, when people can relate and empathize.

My Writing for Mass Communication teacher just gave the class a lecture on fifth grade grammar. That is the first time in my life that I have ever zoned out in a class. Her voice was just drabble in my ears. Dribble drabble dribble...

Kitten Colonel

Coffee makes my body shake down to the core. I love the taste of the milky dark roast as it soothes its way down my throat and makes my senses perk up. I have no money. Absolutely none. I do have a cool phone though. And who cares about money when you've got a cool phone? I don't know how I'm going to pay for stuff but I've always been that way. I like to live on the edge, freak out, and then everything is eventually okay. Once I'm out of my parents financial grasp I seriously think I might become homeless. Haha.

Ramble ramble ramble. Sometimes I wish I was still taking the hard sciences. Busy work freed my mind and allowed me to prioritize. These writing classes make me think! THINK! Of all things... It's a lot harder to think than to crunch numbers. I have to make this concept in this paragraph sounds really good. These two words don't fit together. Is China the next superpower? You know it is.

I'm gonna be okay. I'm letting things go. New things come up but the world is so vast. I moved my cat Colonel into my apartment the other day. It's against the rules but I'm lonely dammit! I can risk the knock on the door, "Open up" from my landlord for a few bliss filled days of company whenever I come home. She hides under the bed and looks at me with big green eyes. She makes me forget all my problems. I just want to take care of her and start this new life of mine.