Movie

Everyone sitting the same way looking the same way
Aren't movies awkward
When the blonde girls behind you smack their popcorn
Slosh around the ice in their over sized overpriced cups
As I cross my legs back and forth
Sloooooouch down in the seat so low you cannot see my head
The seat feels wet. That's gross.
Since when should carbonated syrup cost six bucks?
I'll take my cup of ice and heat it with my hands till it melts
Since I can't even bring my own anymore.
The film drags on and when I almost think it's over it starts back up again
Waaaaaaaaaaaaahhhhh.

At least that guy looks cool.

Germany

I've been researching schools in Germany a lot. I feel a calling to southwestern Germany. Maybe because I lived in Bitsburg when I was younger? Travelling to Trier to see a festival where "anything goes". Large breasted women pouring people on the street large mugs of beer. My face was painted black and white and I held a toy that made noise. I watched with wide eyes as floats passed by. Some were made very poorly but everyone was having fun. It was a day where wives could kiss other men and husbands could kiss other women. Girls would run around with scissors and cut the ties of old gentlemen.

We lived off base (Biesbaden) in an old house with three stories. We lived on the second story right behind a supermarket. Herr Addams was the landlord and he had a trunk full of Easter candy. And whenever I would venture up the spiral staircase he would let me have one piece which I would hastily eat right away. There was a park across the way that I would go on walks to with my dad and my brother. My dad was the best playmate. He would swing me so high I thought I'd wrap around the pole a couple of times. My mother would pick cherries and hang them from my ear. My brother would wander off to the small lake and try to dive in. He was only two.

My happiest memories are from Germany. Hot cocoa on a winter day downtown. Sitting on grey steps while my mother held me tight. Long strolls through a cornfield. Wild dogs in the tall tree woods that my dad fended off with a stick.

I want to go back. I bet everything will seem so much smaller.

Mind Ramblings #2

Global politics. The politics of the globe. Why humans do what they do. Why humans want power. Is money power? Is power money? Do people make power? Or does military force create it? My professor claimed that international relations is one of the most important subjects a student can study right now. I'm sitting on my green tea couch with a bottle of Smart Water and really really trying to decipher every word in every sentence in this goddamned textbook. The last class was just a bunch of ramble as every kid raised their hand in vain to repeat what the last kid had said. I sat there sighing in my seat as two popped-collar striped pink boys "har-har'd" about the feminist perspective. The kid in the very front with the severe Asberger's was the only one with a brain. I felt that even I didn't have one. The overweight girl with the badly dyed orange hair snapped her gum and stared at him with disgust. My eyes pierced her pale face with tiny daggers. The ignorance is too much! Oh the pain of college! Pick me up and take me to grad school right now, I can't take it!

I can't wait for Autumn. It is what I say every year. Autumn comes for only a moment before the "harsh" chills of Florida winter seclude me to my cave. I have outdoor guilt. I feel like I should be outside enjoying the weather but it is just too damn hot. Will people think differently of me if I just retreat to my cool little apartment with my textbook written by the very dry Ray? Ninth edition! How long must he torture the masses? Murgo (my professor) says Ray was his professor when he was in grad school. Explain to me why some of the smartest people are coming out of Tallahassee. I love it.

I have to scan shit and send receipts. Mexican dinner with mi amiga makes me smile oh so happily even though she too feels the weight of the eight different textbooks.

Ciao!

Finally

It's official. Societies standards are my own creation. Are they my own standards? I don't think so. I cut my hair really short about a week ago and when I look back on pictures of my shoulder length wavy hair I get sentimental. I miss it! It's a nice melancholy feeling because I know that it will grow back. It will not stay this short forever. It is something nice to look forward to. The cutting of the hair is so metaphorical. Just like a break up. The feelings of despair will not last forever. Things grow back. Broken hearts grow back and mold together to create a stronger being.

I'm excited to see what the future will bring for me. My father is making me quit my job so that I can focus on school. That's exciting! I get to be fully and completely immersed in academia. Maybe I'll finally feel like a real intellectual now. I just need to travel abroad and study politics, history, and journalism in other countries.

I just finished having lunch with my brother. I'm so proud of him. He is totally digging the college vibe. I have a journalism-esque class next. The teacher is a trip. I think we'll become great friends.

Personal Perdition

People are always saying, "Life is so complicated. It's so confusing. I don't know if I can deal with it." I go over the same thoughts in my mind with more thoughts of, "Why am I thinking this? I am only human right?" We also tend to believe we are all alone. That no one else has experienced what we are going through. Thinking that way is so self-destructive. A personal perdition.

I have been feeling a constant dull pain in my heart since the day that Blake and I decided that we needed to end it all. Whether it was completely and totally mutual, I don't know. I do know that I had been preparing myself for it for a very long time. Can I deal with it? Will I feel like this forever? Why can't I just stop it? All of this creeps through my brain like a disease and there is no cure except...what? Time? I do not know if time has anything to do with it. Time is so relative. Time creates pain. The only end-all cure is my own acceptance of life and it's many pains. I HAVE to experience pain. Live it, feel it, hate it, love it. At least I'm not being tortured in Sedan. At least I have been lucky enough to not fall victim to rape. Is a broken heart the worst thing that could be happening to me right now?

Right now my ex-boyfriend is sitting behind me as we both wait for a class that we signed up for together. I cannot ever remember being excited about that. Now all I feel is a certain mild dread that creeps over my heart and engulfs it. My breathing is heavier as four police men and women stroll by with their chins held toward the moldy cardboard ceiling. Some kind of meeting? I do not know but it seems ominous. Many time I have thought about moving away forever, not taking this class, wishing he would move away. I am ready to grow dammit! If I have not found myself yet I am ready now.

I feel like running outside and screaming at the top of my lungs, "I AM READY!" I won't do that because I know that's something that just confuses people, but my irrational mind thoughts want to.

I can do this thing called life. It seems hard but it is really not.

Mind Ramblings #1

The cobblestone makes my flat feet curve in an uncomfortable manner. It doesn't hurt. It just bends my heel awkwardly as I swerve to the left and the right. The men standing out back of the Mexican restaurant snicker sourly and I walk along the brick path that is more flat and runs directly through the middle of the alley. I see a sign for a candy store and glance back with hopeful eyes at my friends with their necks craned upward toward the sky like long feathered birds.

Salt water taffy makes my mouth water and I want to take a sip from the fountain that I'm not even allowed to put my feet in. Roof hopping sounds like a good idea but the ladders are all tucked away in their fetal fire escape position. I'm sitting and longing after vivid daydreams of the cute guy from the art supplies store. Tucked away in a corner.

They say if you do your writing exercises everyday you'll get better. Why are there no bugs here? My mind wanders like a Vietnam veteran with a cardboard sign that reads, "Veteran." Who asks me how I'm doing. "Fine, thanks" I say. "You?" I clench my teeth together and think about what else I could have said instead. I've never laughed so hard in my life. Giggling on the metro without a care and snapping "urban-modelesque" pictures that scream "I am alternative, look at me go!"

2:00AM Can't sleep.

I Think It's Time

I think it's time for a new awakening in this world that I gaze over with glazed eyes. The time of innocence has come to a close and I am on my own. Rebirth. Rejoice. Re... Consider the possibilities. I'm done playing games with my made-up heart soul. That living breathing piece of muscle does more for me than I could ever do for it. Learning from my body and my mind. I will hear the voices in my head once in a while as my friend leans over and whispers in my ear. Will I let it get me down? Hell no!

It's time to stop making my Self feel bad about myself. No longer will I fake a spiritual moment to fit in with the good ol' kids. I did not think that cloud was the most beautiful thing I have ever seen. I have looked a starving Jamaican kid with outstretched calloused hands in the eyes before. Pleading and non-believing that he will ever get off that island. The rich white folk prance by in their Old Navy flip flops as the kids kick rocks in the street with their bare feet. That cloud looks like shit compared to what I saw.

The naive era has to come to an end and I have reached that bend in the dirt road. I see the paved majesties greeting me like busy bees and enticing me with Java Chip frappuccinos. I'll bow my head to their financial eyes and live a truthful life of lies. Compromise. Capitalize. Red red red eyes.

I will be truthful to myself. I and my are the same words, let us not get caught up in a dictionary. There are no split selves and how can you derive that from a sentence that speaks sounds? Bleep bloop blop. Does that make sense? Yes/ No/ Maybe So. Circle one. I am tired of circling things for others.

I think it's time for a change change change. In the human race. Let us take our place and speculate.