Mind Ramblings #4

So it's hot outside in September and I can remember when it would get cool toward the end. I remember it being too hot in July and slowly becoming autumn after August. I remember the feeling of all of this because it gave me nostalgia and good feelings. I remember liking a boy that would never kiss me and would only look at me with dark eyes and play off of my affection. Letting go became one of my first lessons in love. Hurting someone while I hid in my room leafing through magazines of Japanese girls with pretty makeup and clothes.

Now I sit uncomfortably in a smoldering coffee shop with faulty internet. The ice in my coffee turns my caffeine addiction into a watery beverage and the dark chocolate chip cookie fills my belly with oils. The heavy metal music permeates the concrete building poking and prodding at my sensitive ears that have heard too much loud music over the years.

Two papers...two more papers. Now I remember why I liked science. No one scolded you for not writing in AP style in lab reports. All that mattered is if your information was right. Sitting in class today reminded me that I am done with community college in two and a half more months. People rambling the first thing that comes to their minds, repeating what the last person said, looking at the teacher with big eyes and thinking 'Hey, I'm talking so I must be doing something right.' If you don't have anything intelligent and thought-provoking to say don't say it. I know it sounds harsh but I'm not paying money for students to blabber on thinking they are 'oh-so-smart' because the teacher and half the class are looking at them.

A girl even had the nerve to ask the teacher: "So, if we're like having our like timed writing on like Wednesday can we like not have to like come to class on like Friday like?" WHAT THE FUCK. I thought I was done with that bullshit in middle school. Since when do people think they can control the class's schedule. I've got shit to learn here and she's trying to cancel my education. The laziness of young adults these days is sickening.

On a lighter note I have no money. But that's all the time...

The Girl In the Pic Is Cool

Finally my internet is working after three days of hoping. Maybe today it will work? Maybe today. And right after I quit my job it starts working again. That is no omen. That is just coincidence. Everything is working now. Everything except my nose which is constantly in a state of stuffiness. My head feels stuffy too. It might have something to do with my air filter, or my cat. I'm not quite sure but gaddam Bob Dylan makes me want to write beautiful music.

Two beautiful friends showed up at my place last night with plans of hair dye but we just ended up getting tipsy and dancing in my kitchen. I had a headache but the wine made it feel nice as I got my groove on to Prince and MJ. I then woozily made my way out the door and into my car (I was fine) and drove over to a boys house without consulting him first. It was amazing. And having friends makes it all better as they encourage me and laugh with me and dance with me and overall make me feel beautiful inside and out.

It's raining and I want to open some windows but there are gross bugs between the screen and the glass. I have to suck it up and clean it up cause I'm gonna need those screens in the fall (which is in the air!).

Get it Bob.

Untitled #1

Life is exciting.

WHAT HAVE I BEEN MISSING ALL THESE YEARS!

Human Drabble

I have a wine hangover. That and three hours of sleep under my belt, even though I'm not wearing one. I am tackling this day with a negative slant and a skewed view of society. What makes one person all-knowing? Is enlightenment power? Do I need enlightenment in order to be "good"? I have been realizing more and more that I was not the bad guy in my past relationship. Sure, I did things and said things that were not acceptable, but I was always punishing myself inside. He seemed like such an "all-knowing" boy. I put him on a pedestal. The beginning was so beautiful and full of wonder. We experienced things together I will never forget. The last two years however had become a struggle I felt like I had to continue fighting. I was scared of the outside world but wanted it badly at the same time. He couldn't reciprocate and understand these cravings I had to be free. I broke his heart, I broke mine. I cried and he cried. I am realizing how unaware of the world he actually is. How sheltered.

I feel almost liberated now. I can do anything. There is no one holding me back and I am no longer holding myself back. I want to experience life and make mistakes. That way when people are struggling and having problems I can help them and say, "I had a similar experience." That always makes me feel better, when people can relate and empathize.

My Writing for Mass Communication teacher just gave the class a lecture on fifth grade grammar. That is the first time in my life that I have ever zoned out in a class. Her voice was just drabble in my ears. Dribble drabble dribble...

Kitten Colonel

Coffee makes my body shake down to the core. I love the taste of the milky dark roast as it soothes its way down my throat and makes my senses perk up. I have no money. Absolutely none. I do have a cool phone though. And who cares about money when you've got a cool phone? I don't know how I'm going to pay for stuff but I've always been that way. I like to live on the edge, freak out, and then everything is eventually okay. Once I'm out of my parents financial grasp I seriously think I might become homeless. Haha.

Ramble ramble ramble. Sometimes I wish I was still taking the hard sciences. Busy work freed my mind and allowed me to prioritize. These writing classes make me think! THINK! Of all things... It's a lot harder to think than to crunch numbers. I have to make this concept in this paragraph sounds really good. These two words don't fit together. Is China the next superpower? You know it is.

I'm gonna be okay. I'm letting things go. New things come up but the world is so vast. I moved my cat Colonel into my apartment the other day. It's against the rules but I'm lonely dammit! I can risk the knock on the door, "Open up" from my landlord for a few bliss filled days of company whenever I come home. She hides under the bed and looks at me with big green eyes. She makes me forget all my problems. I just want to take care of her and start this new life of mine.

Dance

Downed a bottle of wine with the no mind as the three girl musketeers set out in a whirlwind of fabric, cut-off tights, and warm cheeks. We'll beat the heat! They could scream with the hoity-toity cute voice blasting from the old speakers of the automobile that is cruising thirty miles an hour to the hip beat in the street. Blue heels break my feet as the cars whir by with agitation. Too bad they can't join the fun is what they're thinking as the three girls wrinkle their noses and laugh, feet trodden through the light brown dirt. Slap that ass! as they stumble past. Hasty admission into the dance hall because they are not waiting in line. Small talk with the passerby's. They grab each others arms and fluidly fly past the dancers with ease, making their way to the bar as hopefuls grab at their hair. Don't you dare! Two beers later and the dancing is hot. Haven't danced like this in years. Absolute abandon as I throw my head back and surrender to the fear. Crashing my wrists against the hot air making eyes with the boy over there. Is it fair?

Mind Ramblings #3

Lately I have been feeling hopeless. With a heavy heart. Everything I do is wrong. Why can't I be like this person? Why can't I be innocent again? What is innocent? Will people like me when they find out this and that?

Stuff along those lines.

I am still dealing, but I now know what is good for me and what is not. I feel like I have some sort of closure with everything that is going on. I still need to say a few things.

Worries

My car is the victim of a hit and run. Not just any hit and run. A hit and run that took place at my own house very very early in the morning. No note, just tracks in the dirt. I question humanity all of the time but this is just low. I can imagine what was going through the guilty persons head.

"Hahaha." Screeeeech, as they pull out of the parking lot.

or

"Oooppsss...", as they looked around with a paranoid grin then crept out into the night with my black paint smeared on their bumper. I kind of want to kick them in the crotch.

Coincidentally I am a victim too. A victim of myself. I had ample time last night to study and I have ample time right now to pick up that blue book with the white letters... but something in my brain is telling me 'noooo, don't do it'. Shut up brain!

There is so much crap I have to do and have not got around to. Hook up the printer, clean my room, get my car fixed, pay rent, pay electricity, get envelopes, deposit my paycheck. Or rather; deposit my paycheck, get envelopes then pay rent. Maybe I need stamps too? My rent is supposed to arrive in my landlords mailbox on the fifth otherwise I get charged more money. We can't let that happen. Also I have not been to the gym in a million years. I'm just not a gym person. I guess that was kind of an impulse after gaining a few pounds in Jamaica... I just like to eat!